Haircut
by Ozuchi-Kozuchi
Summary: Kanda was just minding his own business, trying to eat his soba, and of course is attacked by Lavi. Today's mad scheme? Getting Kanda a haircut!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi! Another DGM fic. This one has some lovely Kanda torture. Don't get me wrong, I like Kanda, but it's just so fun to torture him… Anyway, enjoy! *cough* Review please! *cough*

Disclaimer: I don't own -man.

"Oh Yu~!" came the call across the cafeteria.

Kanda flinched. His first (much hated) name, called in that tone, coming from the mouth of the Baka Usagi could only mean his next twenty-four hours were going to bite.

The red-head merrily loped over and took an uninvited seat next to the brooding exorcist.

"What do you want?" Kanda hissed, his glare-proven to melt steel, make grown men cry, and stop birds mid-flight- turned onto the totally unaffected Lavi. "Is there something specific you wanted or did you just have a death wish Baka Usagi?"

The afore mentioned Baka Usagi continued to grin. " 'Course not! Do I need a reason to sit by my best-friend?" he exclaimed. Without warning, he leaned over and hugged Kanda.

All life within a square mile froze. Nobody hugged Kanda. It was one of the greatest laws of the Order: "Thou shalt not hug Kanda…EVER."

Kanda's eyes went wide in a mixture of shock, horror, and a fury that put ax-murderers to shame. "What kind of drugs are you on?" he roared, fighting to break free from Lavi's death grip and grab Mugen.

"I'm offended!" protested Lavi in mock horror. "I live by the motto 'Hugs, not drugs.' " He squeezed Kanda tightly. "See? I'm a practicing believer!"

Kanda gave an inhuman hiss. "Let. Go. Of. Me. Now!" he yelled. He tilted backwards on the bench. With a yelp he fell backwards, taking Lavi with him. As his arms were pinned to his sides, he had been unable to catch his fall. His head had hit the stone floor with an audible "thwack". He gave a small groan and wished those odd stars would stop spinning around his head.

He looked over. Whether by his hair, kept barely at bay by the green bandana or through some bizarre rabbit luck, Lavi seemed unharmed. "You okay Yu?" he asked with faked concern, even though anyone could see he was trying not to laugh.

Kanda's response was to growl. He was no doubt about to swear at the rabbit, who was still holding onto him, when Allen walked up.

"Wow Lavi…you said you'd stall until I got here, but I didn't think you'd tackle him!" the white-haired boy exclaimed.

"This is your doing then Moyashi?" Kanda grumbled, sparing a quick glare for the younger boy before resuming his escape attempt.

Allen helped them off the ground. Lavi managed to keep his bone-crushing grip on Kanda. Kanda couldn't help but marvel at his comrade/constant annoyance/sorta-friend's strength. He supposed it came from lugging that hammer everywhere, but he secretly wondered if it didn't come from Lavi's habit of hugging everyone…

Kanda snapped himself out of his daze as Lavi started to shuffle towards the exit, dragging Kanda with him. "What are you doing? Where are you taking me?" he angrily barked at his captors. The rabbit alone would have given him enough cause to worry. But the rabbit and the bean sprout? That was cause to panic. He continued to thrash around, trying to reach Mugen. If he could just reach a bit further…

"Oh, can't have you getting that." commented Allen, reaching around to unhook Mugen from Kanda's belt.

The long-haired Exorcist looked on aghast as his precious sword was carelessly thrown into a broom closet. He let out a stream of profanity that would have caused even Cross to cringe. "Where are you taking me?" he screeched.

Lavi gave an evil grin, which was mirrored by Allen. "Why, my dear Yu, we're taking you to get a haircut." Kanda went white as a sheet.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Here is the second part to Kanda's haircut adventure. I apologize for the time it took to get this up. I was working on Coma, my other DGM fic and lost track of time. ^^'

**Disclaimer**: I don't own -man, because if I did, this would totally happen.

After the first awkward minutes of fighting, Kanda had seemingly given up. The plan had been to bide his time and wait for Lavi to release him. This plan crashed and burned when Lavi switched places with Allen as the captor and took the role of guard.

A disgruntled Kanda now walked beside Lavi. The Crown Belt was wrapped securely around his neck, much like a collar to Kanda's dismay. He could almost see the bean sprout behind him with an evil smirk on his face. "Why did you kidnap me again?" murmured the swordsman in a slightly dejected tone.

"To get your haircut." replied Lavi. "In all the years I've known you, not once have you had one." He transformed from annoying rabbit to his even more annoying Bookman mode. "You know, it's not healthy for your hair. You should trim off the split ends every once in a while to keep hair healthy and growing." He lifted a finger, as if scolding a small child. "Furthermore-"

"We're here!" interjected Allen, saving them from Lavi's vast knowledge of hair care.

Lavi looked around, startled. "Oh, I suppose we are." he commented. It hadn't take long to reach their destination, a hair place called "Scissor Hands".

They pushed open the door, causing the bell attached to give an annoying jingle. The Crown Belt released Kanda, Allen now feeling that they could stop Kanda from getting out the door. Kanda on the other hand was quite positive he could beat down the poor little bean sprout and make a run for it. Before he could put this plan into action, Lavi interrupted.

"Hello~! Is anyone here? We're here for a haircut…" called Lavi, worried over the evil glint in Kanda's eyes.

They jumped at a load crash at the back of the store. Lavi grabbed his hammer, ready to invoke at a moments notice. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh, sorry!" a girl's head popped out from behind a shelf. Lavi put his arms in front of him and took a step back at her sudden appearance. "I was in the back." She took a step forward, fully coming into view. There was an odd clunking sound, maybe because of the bucket on her foot. She made a little sound of distress and started hopping around attempting to remove the bucket that was stuck on her foot.

Lavi stepped forward to help her and ended up with a bucketed kick to the stomach. He groaned and backed away over to where his friends stood. "I think she's got it…" he murmured, rubbing his stomach. She in fact did not have it and was still hopping around desperately trying to free her foot.  
"I'm so sorry!" she wailed.

Allen went over to her to help and was almost beheaded as she gave a wild kick. He dropped to the floor and crawled away.

Kanda gave a smirk. "Wow Bean Sprout, getting beat up by a girl…and not even one who knows how to fight, just a random girl." He didn't see any chance of escape for even in the chaos his captors hadn't left the door unguarded. Kanda stepped forward. "Hold still!" he barked. She froze mid-kick, terrified by the angry Exorcist. He grabbed the bucket and yanked it off. "Idiot…" he growled.

"Thank you…" the girl stood up straight. "Welcome to Scissor Hands. I'm Ani, the assistant to Miss Beverly, our head hairdresser. How can I help you?" She smiled, her long mouse colored hair framing her face. The back was pulled into a long braid. She was dressed casually, with an apron covering the front of her clothes.

"Why hello Miss Ani!" greeted Lavi, practically pushing Kanda out of the way. "We're here for a haircut." He gave a blinding Lavi smile.

"Eh, I don't think I can fit all of you in today…"

"Oh, no, just Yu here needs a haircut." Lavi dragged Kanda back over.

"Aright then, how would you like your hair cut ma'am?" She continued to smile, unaware of the death glare Kanda was now giving her. His hand twitched to where Mugen usually resided.

"I am not a girl," he growled through gritted teeth.

Her eyes went wide. "I am so sorry." Her voice sounded hoarse, as if she was apologizing for a greater crime. "Please, I didn't -"

"Don't worry about it!" Lavi swooped in to save the poor girl, putting an arm around her shoulders. Whether this was to comfort her or to protect her from the wrath of Kanda was unknown. "Let's just get this show on the road. So…do you have a manager or someone to cut his hair?"

She shook her head, looking abashed. "Well, no…actually, they left me in charge. It's Poker night." She grinned. "So I guess I'll be doing your hair Mr. Yu. Thank you for being my first customer!" She stepped forward to shake his hand and ended up falling again.

Kanda had great fear that his hair would never recover from this appointment.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: My final installment for Haircut. Sorry it's so late! ^^; Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own DGM.

"If you'll just sit down over here…" Ani grabbed Kanda's arm and tugged him over to a chair. "Now you just sit down and we'll get started." She smiled and gave him a pat on the head before making her way to the back of the store, humming a merry little tune.

Kanda bolted towards the door, violently knocking Allen out of the way in the process. He made it about a city block before he was captured by a hysterical Lavi and a moderately bruised Allen. He was then dragged back to Scissor Hands, kicking, yelling, growling, swearing, and once biting (Allen of course, because the boy never learns). Grumbling, Kanda tore himself away from his "friends" as soon as they released him safely back at the door.

Ani returned from the back room carrying a large bin of supplies, still humming the same happy tune. Kanda glared silently from his chair. "Okedy Dokey! Let's see what we have to work with," chirped Ani happily. She grabbed Kanda's long ponytail and yanked it over to get a better look. Kanda gritted his teeth as she attempted to rip his hair out (not literally, but…). He managed a glare in Allen and Lavi's direction, but neither cared. Allen was rubbing his cheek where a beautiful bruise was blossoming. Lavi was trying not to laugh at the sight of his friend being tortured by a small girl.

Ani took out Kanda's hair tie. "Oh, you have such pretty hair!" she exclaimed, much to his embarrassment. She then roughly grabbed his head and dunked it into a basin of water. Kanda emerged sopping wet, just managing to keep his temper in control. He resembled a wet dog, with his bangs hanging in his eyes, all hunched over.

Meanwhile, Allen had a devilish grin forming on his face. He motioned Ani over. Lavi looked at him, curious as to what he was planning. "Miss Ani, our friend is a bit shy," Allen said, taking her hand in a gentleman-like fashion, making her blush. "Would you be so kind as to…" he paused for a moment, thinking. "Curl his hair?"

Lavi's jaw dropped as he made a mental note to never get on the bad side of his white haired friend. Ani looked surprised. 'But I thought he just wanted a trim?"

"He's really wanted to get his hair curled but he's too embarrassed to ask," Allen said with mock concern.

Ani frowned. "Are you sure? Mr. Kanda doesn't seem like the person who'd want his hair styled…" she replied uneasily, looking over to where Kanda sat, glaring into space with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"We're going to a party," piped in Lavi. "Big shindig. He's the only one of us with hair that really can be styled."

"Oh," said Ani with a nod. "Is there any certain way he wants it? I can maybe work it into a classy up-do."

"That would be great….How long do you think this will last? Long enough to get pictures?" Lavi asked nonchalantly.

"Sure, I can do that!" She gave a small smile. "I'll get right on it. I better start before Mr. Kanda's hair dries." She practically skipped over to were Kanda sat.

"I feel sort of bad taking advantage of her like this…" murmured Allen.

"Don't worry. Between the two of us we can protect her. We'll use the money from blackmailing Yu with the pictures to send her somewhere." replied Lavi.

"Siberia should be safe."

* * *

"And we are done!" Ani exclaimed an hour and 20 minutes later.

Lavi jumped up from the chair he'd been sleeping in. "I'm up! I wasn't sleeping Gramps, really!" he shouted. He looked around, fully waking up. "Oh…carry on."

"The wait was worth it," Allen said, tightly clutching the camera he'd bought. It was worth the years of joy they'd have tormenting the terminally angry Exorcist.

"Okay Mr. Kanda. Let's just turn you around towards the mirror…"

Allen and Lavi exchanged an excited look. They braced themselves, ready to take the picture and run. They heard Ani give a small squeak of fear right before Kanda walked into view. And what a view it was. Kanda's long hair was piled on his head in a bundle of intertwined curls. He looked like one of those fancy dolls, or a very proper lady…well, minus the demonic glare and the chair he was getting ready to beat them with. Allen took the picture, and promptly bolted from the building. Lavi started to laugh but was stopped short with one look at his friend. The laugh died in his throat. "Now Kanda, you can accept an honest joke, can't you?" he asked, with his hands in front of him, palms out in a gesture of surrender. Kanda gave an inhuman growl. Lavi blanched. "Well, would you look at the time…I think I hear Allen calling," he looked at Ani and mouthed run before following Allen's path out the door.

Still growling, Kanda lowered the chair. He turned on Ani. "Is this your idea of a joke?" he hissed.

Ani looked frantically between him and the door before bursting into tears. Kanda dropped the chair, taking a step back. He couldn't stand people crying. He could barely tolerate Miranda let alone a total stranger. "Knock it off!" he barked.

She managed to stop. She sniffled before trying to apologize to Kanda. He put up a hand cutting her off. "It was their idea, was it not?" he asked, putting the chair back in it's spot.

She nodded. "I can help you get back at them…" she said quietly. Kanda looked at her surprised. "They insulted my work by playing that mean trick on you!" she huffed, crossing her arms and frowning. An evil grin suddenly crossed her face. "I know the perfect thing."

* * *

The next morning, Kanda sat quietly in the cafeteria, eating his morning soba. His hair was still curled in some parts . Which made his standard ponytail very feminine. A couple of Finders had already walked past, either laughing or gossiping about his hairstyle. He'd nearly beheaded them, so the rest had the sense to stay clear. He checked the time. Vengeance was soon at hand. Lenalee and Miranda came over and sat by him (or at least in the general area). "Good morning Kanda…are you… trying something new with your hair?" Lenalee asked, looking for the polite way to figure out what was wrong with his hair.

Kanda simply gave a non-committal grunt. "Ask Allen and Lavi."

Lenalee frowned. "What did they do?"

Before Kanda could get into a rant over the injustice done to his poor hair, a strangled yell cut him off. Kanda gave a small smile (an actual smile!).

Allen rounded the corner and briskly marched up to Kanda. "You…you…!" Allen was shaking in furry. He stood there, half dressed and dripping wet with his new bright purple hair. "You did this!" he hissed. Lenalee blushed at the sight of Allen while suppressing giggles at the ridiculous purple shade his hair was. Miranda thought she was choking and rushed her to the nurse.

Kanda gave an evil smirk. "What did I do?"

"You dyed my hair PURPLE!" roared Allen. This caught the attention of well over half the cafeteria who turned around to watch the show. Allen lowered his voice, "I know you did it. This is payback for the curls, isn't it?"

"I don't recall doing that. Maybe Lavi did it? He does like to pull pranks on you…" Kanda replied quietly, continuing to eat his soba.

"You lie!" Allen yelled, point an accusatory finger at Kanda. He was about to continue as Lavi walked in, which stopped Allen in his tracks, and caused Kanda's smirk to grow wider.

"He got us Allen…" said Lavi smiling, rubbing his newly green tipped hair. "I look like a Christmas Tree…" he mumbled.

Allen glared at Kanda. "How'd you do it?"

"Miss Ani merely gave me a suggestion and we worked it out from there. Now, about that picture…" stated Kanda. "It would be in your best interests to hand it over."

"Over my dead body," snorted Allen.

"Now, Allen, be reasonable. Why exactly Yu?" asked Lavi, his smile twitching ever so slightly.

"Because, Miss Ani is the only one who can get the dye out. Unless you want to wait for your hair to grow out."

"Touché," replied Lavi. "Anything else?"

"She'd like payment as well."

"I didn't take her for that type…" murmured Lavi.

"Actually, she's sort of evil," said Kanda.

"Master Cross evil or Earl evil?" asked Allen.

"General Cross."

Allen flinched. He looked at Lavi. "I guess we have to….but not before showing them to everyone!" And with that, Kanda would spend the next week beating the snot out of Finders and other Order members who asked him where his dolly and bonnet were.


End file.
